Handsome and well hung ?
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Posted:Nov 21, 2007 8:41 pm
Last Updated:Nov 27, 2007 8:40 pm
127344 Views
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As an un-handsome and un-hung "man" I'm getting a little tired of all these women out there looking for attractive men with big dicks . I mean what gives ? I personally have very little (if any) interest in handsome well-hung guys . It reeks of communism if you ask me - did you ever get a look at the package on Stalin ? I did , briefly . And who was more handsome than old Kremlin Joe ? Nobody , that's who .
I mean let's exam this seriously . Handsome ? Isn't that just code for homosexual ? I know that women love gays guys (who doesn't ?) but that is literally barking up the wrong tree . And sure Hollywood celebrities might be able to be handsome and un-gay but that's just because they have the power of Scientology working for them . And when's the last time you saw a scientologist on AdultFriendFinder xmatch Sex Finder Site xmatch Sex Finder Site ? I rest my case .
And well-hung ? What does that have to do with sex anyway ? In my vast experience in the realm the penis has , in actuality , a very small part to play in the love-making process . Honestly a lot of the time its barely even noticeable - or so I've been told . Truly what does a huge cock bring to the table if you examine things closely ? I can't think of a thing - aside from maybe if you're short enough you could bang out some pull-ups . Or maybe he could stand on a chair or something - either way there are more effective ways to work out right ?
But on the other hand a small or very small penis opens up a bunch of interesting doors - like the nostril or the ear . Okay , okay , I know that sounds weird , but you think the first time someone said "hey , I'm going stick my dick in that asshole over there" people didn't think THAT was pretty messed up ? I know I did because I was there . Also the smaller the penis the smaller your chances of suffering penis-related trauma to the head . You get one of those big suckers flying around and there are serious risks involved .
The point is that real women aren't into good-looking guys with large gentials anymore than they're into successful guys with great hair . What are they into ? Well a true American woman wants a man who's pale and flabby and needs four tries to find the clit . Why ? I don't know , I think it has something to do with Freemansons - at least according to a show on the History channel that I kind of watched .
Join me next time as I examine the myth of oral sex .
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Ask Dr. Screwlittle
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Posted:Jan 25, 2007 4:22 pm
Last Updated:Dec 31, 2013 3:51 pm
128769 Views
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Does Savanna Samson (I don’t even think that’s her real name) really have the authority to give out sex advice ? And more importantly does she have more authority than ME to give out sex advice . I say no ‒ HELL no . Lets see what her credentials are -
“So let's give a warm welcome to Savanna Samson who joins AdultFriendFinder xmatch Sex Finder Site xmatch Sex Finder Site as our advice columnist for the first half of 2007! Vivid Girl and Super Star Savanna Samson is a multiple AVN Award-winning adult actress also known for her business savvy. Earlier this year she captured international media attention with the introduction of her first wine, Sogno Uno (Dream One), which was acclaimed by leading wine critic Robert M. Parker with a 91-point rating. Ms. Samson was a co-author with other Vivid Girls of the best selling How to Have a XXX Sex Life: The Ultimate Vivid Guide, (HarperCollins/ReganBooks) (see our archives for the review -- it really was a hot book). Sampson's advice pen is hot off a sex advice column for Men’s Fitness online magazine.”
Not very impressive is it ? I make my own wine in the bathtub and my friend squeezebox gave it a 99 point rating ‒ so suck on that Samson . Besides what does alcohol have to do with sex ? Nothing , that’s what . Anyway , now lets check out my credentials .
A ‒ I have had up to one sexual partner
B ‒ I captured media attention by getting stuck in a water slide last summer
C ‒ I co-authored (with other Vivid Girls) the best-selling A Davinci Code
D-Z ‒ My advice pen is shiny and looks cools
I think that should clear things up about who’s more qualified to be throwing advice around . Me 1 , Samson 0 . But what does Samson have to say for herself ? Check this out -
“I find helping others enjoy better sex lives very rewarding,” says Ms. Samson.
Seems a little patronizing to me ‒ hows about you ? I mean come on , no one finds helping people rewarding ‒ she’s just saying something here that we all know is an obvious fabrication . It just doesn’t show a lot of class if you ask me .
Furthermore she goes on to say “Much of our identity is tied up in our sexuality so it is fundamental to our attitude towards life,” she adds. “When I was a young girl in Catholic school, I never imagined I would find my self-confidence by being nude and enjoying a career in adult film.”
Jiggawhat ? If people’s identity was tied up in sexuality most of us would be dead ‒ stone cold dead . Where does this porn star get off telling us that sexuality is fundamental in our attitude towards life ? Sure that may work for movie stars and car racers , but this is the real world . Our identity comes from the stuff we watch on TV and our crappy soul-crushing jobs . And what’s worse when I was a young girl in Catholic school I did NOTHING BUT imagine that I would find my self confidence by being nude and enjoying a career in adult film . Once again , Samson is left in the dirt here . Its sad really how much more qualified I am than her to do this advice thing . Well I think I’ve humiliated Samson enough , lets get to the questions .
To spare you Samson’s pathetic floundering I’ll just paraphrase her responses .
How to Squirt During Sex
Hello, Savanna,
I've only been able to squirt when I masturbate. Could you tell me what is the best way to accomplish squirting during intercourse?
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks, Savanna!
UCLAVamp87, 19 F
Hi UCLAVamp87!
Now here Savanna gives some song and dance about levels of comfort and whatnot and when she finally gets around to giving some advice she said do on the floor . Weak . She also mentions the “cushiony” part of the vagina ‒ which no one wants to hear about .
My advice on the squirting thing is simple . Just do it . I mean for the love of Zod I’ve squirted every time I’ve had sex ‒ its not hard . What’s hard is not squirting BEFORE you have sex . Now that causes problems . Or so I’ve heard . This squirting question is much ado about nothing . But if you really have trouble with it try picturing my face ‒ that always works for me .
Then Savanna has the audacity to say “Kisses , Savanna !” Kisses ? Look lady , just because someone asks you a question that doesn’t mean they want to make you with you . Unless I guess the question they asked is “Will you make out with me ?” But you see what I’m saying . I’ll end my comments with a much more acceptable -
You’re welcome
Helping out the Competition
Hello, Savanna,
Welcome to AdultFriendFinder xmatch Sex Finder Site xmatch Sex Finder Site!
I'd like to get my wife a vibrator for a gift (a little healthy competition never hurt anyone, hehe). And I was wondering what you might recommend or recommend I stay away from?
Or, if there is something out there better than a vibrator that I might want to get that would be helpful too.
Thanks!
Taboo4u1971, 35 M
Dear Taboo4u1971,
She really rambles on about this one ‒ but she never actually gets around to giving any advice . Not good Savanna , not good . Plus she says that her lover gets as much pleasure from it as she does . Wrong . Just shows how selfish she is . Plus she mentions something about a clit stimulator . What the heck is a clit ? I never heard of such a thing and I’ve been in the sex advice business for over 65 years . I assume Samson made it up to sound smart . Typical .
On to my advice . First of all my priest always told me that using a vibrator showed a serious lack of character ‒ and I tend to agree with him . That’s like corking your bat , or taking steroids ‒ sure you get all the glory , but its such a hollow and inglorious glory that you just end up hating yourself . But if you really want to get your wife a vibrator my advice is to get the biggest one you can find ‒ if it runs on a car battery you’re in the right neighborhood . Because the fact is that women love ‘em big . I don’t get but it’s a widely known rumor . Plus that way she’ll be less likely cheat on you with a black dude . Which I personally would encourage , but that’s another topic .
You’re welcome
Double Edged Sword
Hey, Savanna,
It's great to have you here on the site.
OK…
What do women think about bisexual or bi-curious men?
gettinghard28, 19 M
Hello gettinghard28,
Here Savanna does a total flip-flop ‒ it was almost enough to make my vomit in shame . First she says that women are turned off by bisexuals and then she rants about how much she wants to get in on with gay men . Actually now that I think about it she didn’t even answer the question . It was about bi guys not gay guys . Way to miss the point Samson . Plus she says that “we’re all sexual beings” . Not hardly . 95% of the world never things about sex ‒ ever .
Now , we all know that nothing turns women on more than seeing her man bent over with some big dude behind them going to town ‒ but does that mean that women are attracted to bisexuals ? No . Why not ? Well men like seeing two women together but that doesn’t mean they want to have sex with them . What Savanna fails to realize is that not everything is about sex ‒ some things are just about appreciation . Man on man sex is mostly a display of teamwork , impressive yes , a turn-on yes , but that doesn’t mean it’s a turn-on . So what do women think of bi-sexual or bi-curious men ? The same thing I think of the New England Patriots ‒ man , that’s some good teamwork . You think that means I want to nail the Patriots ? No . Well yes , but for different reasons .
You’re welcome
Tantric sex?
Hi Savanna,
It might sound silly but a friend of mine asked me to try Tantric sex. What does this involve? -- They said it can last for days!!?? Is this true?
Thanks,
stw212000, 22 F
Dear stw212000:
Man , does Savanna have a lot to say about this one . Makes you wonder doesn’t it ? Why does a decent , honest , all-American girl like her know so much about this FOREIGN sexual practice ? Hmm ? I’m not saying she’s an enemy combatant , but I’m not saying she’s not either . Even with her verbose response she doesn’t really give any good advice . First she brags about how she was into Tantra way before anyone else ‒ very immature . She talks about baths and oils and robes and junk like it ‒ I assume she’s just trying to avoid giving any real advice . I mean olive oil ? Come on . She says something about holding back the urge to orgasm , that just made me shake my head . That’s like saying “hey , if you’re in a race why not hold back from crossing the finish line ?” I can only assume she went crazy there for a second . Not to mention she throws a little sacrilege in there just for good measure .
Anyway , I will pass on answering this question because I’m and American damn it and I only have good old fashioned Americanese sex ‒ I wrap myself in the flag and blast the Star-Spangled Banner while trying to cum as fast as I can . The one thing I will say is why on earth would you want to have sex for a whole day ? That’s just nutty . There isn’t ANYTHING I want to do for 24 hours straight .
You’re welcome
Anal Desires
Hi Savanna,
I need your help. My husband wants to try anal sex and I do too. It turns me on to watch it and I love when he fingers my ass, but my baby has a VICIOUS curve and I'm having trouble getting past that painful penetration point (I like to call it the point of impact). I also don't want to make a mess (if you know what I mean). We've tried lubricants but I've heard that things like "Anal Eaze" actually create a numbing sensation. Is this true? Do you still get pleasured? And should I use some type of anal cleanser in combination?
PHATNLONG2, 34 C
Hello PHATNLONG2,
This is by far where Samson and I disagree the most . First she says “Stay away from Anal Eaze .” What what what ?!?! I say buy it by the truckload ! Her objection is that its not so fine for the man’s penis . Fuck the penis I say ! Who care about the penis ? I say numb that bastard to the moon ! One of the best things about having sex is when you can’t feel anything at all ‒ if you’re not even sure your partner is there then you’re doing it right . Then she goes on to talk about enemas and bowel movements and other yucky things . I couldn’t even read that part . And then she goes on to say that she “has her best orgasms anally .” What a liar . First off as everyone knows the female orgasm is a myth . And secondly anal sex is not about orgasms , its about establishing your place in a prison hierarchy .
My advice about anal sex ? Don’t do it . Its kind of a hate crime if you think about it . I mean think how it makes the gay fellas feel ? When you have anal sex that’s like me putting on a feathered headdress and doing a “rain dance” . Its culturally insensitive . I mean gay guys have it hard enough as it is ‒ why do you have to steal their culture ? But if feel like you have to have anal sex my suggestion is to get wasted first . Tequila and anal sex go together like pilates and rum .
You’re welcome
Ring around the Roddy
Hi, Savanna,
Cock rings - are they good for her too?
Also, I never tried one, but I wondered if they help keep an erection after orgasm? I'd appreciate anything you know about this.
Thanks!
clickonus111
Dear clickonus111,
Here Savanna says cock rings are great and then yaks on a while . I’d say that cock rings are just okay . I wear one most of the time , but I usually take if off before I have sex . Why ? Because it does indeed help you keep an erection after orgasm ‒ and who wants that ? When it comes to sex your just need to get things over with as fast as you can and get back to tedious busy work . In that sense a cock ring is really your worst enemy ‒ but they are pretty . I have one that flashes my name in Greek ‒ its pretty sweet .
But onto the question ‒ are they good for her too ?
No , not in the least . Anyone who wears one is selfish and probably a jerk .
You’re welcome
And that is that . Now that I’ve severely verbally outwitted Savanna Samson I welcome your gushing praise and comments about how great I am . Please post all comments in Haiku format .
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Vote or don't
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Posted:Jul 5, 2006 7:03 pm
Last Updated:Jan 31, 2018 6:16 pm
126248 Views
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So before we get down to brass tacks I need a favor from you ‒ I feel like we’ve become close enough that I can ask . Yesterday a lady friend of mine and I were watching Taking It Up the Butt 2 . Now it seemed like a pretty good movie and I liked it and all , but I never saw the original Taking It Up the Butt so I didn’t really understand what was going on all the time . The plot has some major holes that I assume would make sense if I saw the first one . So if anyone out there has seen the first Taking It Up the Butt movie and can give me a precise summary of the plot it would really help me out . I thank you in advance .
And while we’re on the subject during this viewing a scene came on with two ladies and my companion commented “They’re not moving very fast are they ?” To which I responded “Well they’re women so they’re not used to having to do anything while they’re having sex .” She responded by giving me a titty twister . Now somehow I managed to get through my childhood without ever experiencing this phenomena ‒ and I have to say I’m probably a better person for it . I think that doing that should be classified as assault with intent . Luckily the police response time was swift and she was taken away before she was able to do any further damage . Hopefully now she’ll end up where she can’t hurt anyone like that anymore . Except lady prisoners and they deserve it ‒ especially the one wrongfully convicted , because man , get a clue lady .
“This clan of slack jawed troglodytes has cost me the election , yet if I were to have them killed I’D be the one who’d go to jail ‒ that’s democracy for you .”
C. Montgomery Burns
So I’ve been around AdultFriendFinder xmatch Sex Finder Site xmatch Sex Finder Site for a while now and I feel like I’ve got the lay of the land . And I feel confident in saying that I have no confidence in the leadership of this place . Mostly because there is none . And that is a problem that I intend to rectify right now . I mean enough is enough (also a crappy Jennifer Lopze movie ‒ although I guess I don’t need to say crappy when I’m talking about J-Lo . Although I liked the Cell .) I am announcing my candidacy for the President of AdultFriendFinder xmatch Sex Finder Site xmatch Sex Finder Site (the online community not the company itself) . My first order of business is finding a running mate . Now a vice presidential candidate doesn’t do much , but they need to balance the ticket . I’m a man so I need a woman running mate . I’m ugly so I need a pretty running mate . I’m fat so I need a running mate in good shape . I’m monstrously stupid so I need a smart running mate . I have as much sex as your average eunuch so I need a running mate who gets around . I am vulnerable to kryptonite so I need a running mate who is invulnerable to kryptonite . You see what I’m saying I need someone who can level the playing field . So if you’re all those things and you want a meaningless titular position of mock authority on an online community dedicated (in theory) to hooking up , drop me a line .
Now I know what you’re saying “But Deuce , what qualifies you to be President of AdultFriendFinder xmatch Sex Finder Site xmatch Sex Finder Site ?” First of all I’ve had just about enough of you Mr. Questiony . And secondly lets break down the word President .
P = Power , I have all kinds of powers ; invisibility to women , immunity to creditors , etc
R = Racist , I’m not one (unless you count bisexuals which I hate)
E = Energy , eh that’s not really my strong point but you can’t have everything
S = Sexy nudie sexy sex , Ah yeah baby
I = Integrity , I gots integrity out the ass ‒ remember how I didn’t tell everyone about that time (or times) that you did that thing (or things) ?
D = Deliverance , I never saw it and I never will
E = Enough , man that movie sucked
N = Nipple , I got 2 of ‘em and one of them isn’t even mutated very much
T = Time , time is on my side , remember that song ? It was in Fallen . That movie kicked all known forms of ass . John Q was good too . And Man on Fire . Denzel is sweet ‒ super sweet .
Anyway if that doesn’t qualify me to be president of this little and pony show what would ? And if you’re thinking “having more than one sexual partner in your life” you can go to hell . But more important is the question of what I will do for you as president . First of all ‒ NO MORE PICTURES OF DICKS IN PROFILES ! And while we’re at it no more pussy pics either . Sexual organs are not anything anyone wants to see . Use ? Yes . See ? Not necessary . No wants to see it people . If you’re a lady and you want to be naked that’s fine ‒ but no close up shots of your spread lips . Who gets turned on by that ? Just the sweaty guy who hangs out by the keg all night . Secondly as president I will add a new category to searches ‒ me . Just clicks on 40deuce and seeking women for 1-1 sex and presto-bango-mango there I am . I’ll make it that much easier to find me . And I solemnly vow that I will lead AdultFriendFinder xmatch Sex Finder Site xmatch Sex Finder Site to the forefront of all the online adult personal sites ‒ no matter how many male (non-gay) members have to die in bloody and pointless conflict . And if the side effect of that is more women for me that’s a sacrifice that I’m prepared to make .
But most important as president of AdultFriendFinder xmatch Sex Finder Site xmatch Sex Finder Site I will listen to you ‒ I’ll care about you and your concerns . Your problems will be come my problems ‒ and I have yet to meet the problem that I couldn’t eat . Beat , beat , I meant beat . And I will personally have sex with every female AFFer out there . I don’t care what you look like , what your personality is like , what you did to get your promotion , I’ll totally do everything to you ‒ and call the next day (unless its long distance) . So vote for me , because its what Jesus would do if he was alive today and looking for internet hook-ups (and why wouldn’t he ?)
And now we turn to the hot girl watch at work . The hot girl who adjusts her boobies every 5 minutes is really starting to get on my nerves . At first is was cool in many ways but now its just irritating . Sweet rack or no just leave those things the hell alone ! I assume she has to be a man who had a sex change because no real women would play with herself so shameless . The hot girl who adjust her pants every time she stands up was wearing a blue thong today . Awesome . Big rack was out sick and sweet ass was working in a different department .
Finally , I get asked a lot of questions but the one that I get asked the most often is “Why are you so fat you stupid moron ?” Well first of all there’s no need to say stupid and moron , either one would suffice . But to answer the question ‒ its quite simple . I am a victim of deliciousness . But then again , aren’t we all in our own way ? No ? Oh , my bad .
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A sexual history of America
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Posted:Jul 4, 2006 5:40 pm
Last Updated:Jan 31, 2018 6:12 pm
124939 Views
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"You're 230 years old nation , but that's only 32 in years - but you'd be dead because dog's don't live that long ."
Stephen Colbert
On this day in 1776 America was born (the country , not the band) everyone knows that . But did you also know that only a few months later sex was invented ? Its true . And it was invented right here in the USA despite what many people would have you believe . In your face Ottoman Empire ! Its unknown how people procreated before sex was invented but it didn't involve sex so no one cares . "But Deuce people have been having sex for literally millions of years ." You shut your piehole tubby - that is a filthy lie and I'll thank you not to declare things that we both know are obvious fabrications . In truth though there is a lot of confusion about the true origin of sex and I'm here to clear things up for everyone .
The story of where , when, and how sex was invented is a long and boring one (kind of like the actual sexual pratice of handjobs) but the who and the why are pretty neat . Sex was invented by an mixed blood Egyptian , Eskimo , Abenaki indian fellow called Snazzy Gojo Bagojo - which I can only assume is a "nickname" . It was created as a way to honk off the Britsh and boy oh boy did it work . If there's one thing Britsh people hate its sex (and dental hygiene) . Some people say that it was the war with France that cause Britain to lose the war of Indepedence but those people are stupid . The real reason was SGB and his crazy new invention sexual intercourse . It drove the Britsh right off . There would be the redcoats trying to fire their muskets and George Washington would be across the way giving the high hard one to Betsy Ross - it was more than they could endure .
Of course at this time the penis and the vagina did not exist as we knew them . Sex was achieved by way of a rotating bladder-like appendage called the octomanere (the man sex thing) and a net-like system of nervous webbing called the hajjimasloop (the female sexual organ) . And often heard sexual cry of the time would go something like "Forsooth , rotate your octy in my hajji good sir , rotate it counterclockwise til the cows doth comest home ." It was by no means a pretty or enjoyable experience but it served its purpose - allowing our boys to putsome good American boot to limey Brit ass .
The next big breakthrough in American sexual history came when the vagina was imported from Italy in 1801 . It was in no way compatable with the octomanere but as then president Thomas Jefferson commented upon the public debute of the first American pussy "I don't know what that is , but I like it ." So the race was on to invent a compatable sexual organ to the vagina . The first promising contender was the anti-vagina which was simply a vagina turned inside out and stiffed with boiled leather . The project fell apart though when the sole possesser of an American vagina was heard to comment "You want to put that thing WHERE ?" It was used successfully one some French ladies but no one cared .
The next big idea in the vagina compatabilty race was the Legraham Linlcon (after which one of our greatest presidents was later named) . It was merely a third leg placed above the buttocks , but with 6 equal length toes that were prehensile . This proved servable for a while but it was discovered that it was used more of leaning back than sex and was plpaying havoc with the US chair industry . Eventually the penis was invented by some drunken German dude in the Wyoming territories and the world was never the same again . Some historian maintain that Native peoples had been using the penis for centuries but there's no strong proof of that contention - although it seems logical enough .
The first penises were crude by today's standards being the shape of Christmas trees , the size of ballpoint pens and still possessing the rotating features of the octomanere - which people enjoyed but had the unfortunate tendancy to cause the penis to burst into flames (which people didn't enjoy nearly as much) . Of course the orgasm had yet to be discovered so most people weren't too observant about sex - it was mostly a Christmas and Easter thing .
The next big innovation in American sex came from (sigh) France . In 1886 France gave us the statue of liberty in recognition of total American awesomeness . President Grover Cleveland said "So the fuck what ?" And caught off guard the French revealed to him the secret process of anal sex . When the new sex was announced American women commented "This sounds like trouble" while 1 in 11 American men said "Hmmm . . . . ." Of course women didn't have the right to vote at this time so the general politcal opinion of their concerns was "fuck them - the ass perferably" .
I could go on and on , but I'm dancing around the real issue here . The male orgasm was invented in 1912 as part of the effort to stay out of WWI (which was then known as Fight Club - and nobody talked about it) . And it worked until 1914 when people realized that it was easier to get sex when you told people you were going off to war . So that kind of backfired . Now comes the weird part . The female orgasm was invented in 1989 by me . But I had my first sexual contact only months ago . The only rational explanation for this is that at some point in the future I will invent time travel and go back to 1986 and give Kelly McGillis the first lady orgasm ever . Why I would so this is a mystery . I mean now women kind of expect is - so I kind of ruined things for men everywhere . Sorry .
No one knows how I got that first lady orgasm to come about - for that matter no one still knows that causes a woman to climax . My own personal theory is that it has something to do with celstial bodies , advanced mathematics , and Cosmo magazine . The best anyone can do is to just close their eyes and hope for the best . 9 times out of 10 you will fail but those are similar odds to a lion taking down a water buffalo so don't feel too bad . Plus , in a shocking display of kindness most of those times the lady in question will pretend like it happened - especially if you picked up the check at dinner . You'll both know that it didn't but its easier to just pretend .
And who knows what the future will hold for sex in America ? What new and improved sexual organs will be invented ? Will the nostril or eardrum ever become mainstream orifices ? Will women's eyes move to their breasts ? Will they grow matresses on their backs ? Will the penis evolve vibrating capabilities ? Will lesbians grow tongues long enough to please themselves ? All these questions will be answered in the fullness of time .
But here's on question that will be answered right now -
Wildnsassy3 in Winnipeg writes
"Whatever happened to deuces 1-39 ?"
Well thanks for your concern sassy , but most of that information is classified . What I can say is that they died a heroes death defending the country that they love - Panama .
40Deuce fun fact : Due to a malfunctioning time machine and a faulty condom I am my own great-great-great granfather . I think I was trying to nail Cleopatra , but accidents happen in the dark .
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Dude , where's my penis ?
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Posted:Jul 3, 2006 4:09 pm
Last Updated:Nov 11, 2017 4:46 pm
124027 Views
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“The world isn’t flat , but your wife is .”
Magellan , busting on the king of Spain
First the good news . Recent scientific evidence strongly suggest that the average breast size of American women is up half a cup size due to an increase of certain fruits in our diet . And there’s every reason to expect that this will continue to trend upwards . This is good news for everyone ‒ except plastic surgeons I guess . And I know what you’re saying “but Deuce , what about gay guys ?” First of all shut up , I don’t talk when you’re trying to education people about lady parts and their increasing size . Secondly gay guys love big breasts ‒ that’s why they have sex with other men . Think about it . It all makes sense . The only fear I have is that some women already have breasts that are too big . That’s right , I said it , too big . Its true , there is such a thing as a breast too big ‒ so quit your crying . Anything approaching soccer ball proportions is way too big . I mean just think ‒ WWJD ? Not have knockers that big that’s for sure . So the future will be mostly a happy , booby place , but there will be a few women running around out there with tits the size of medicine balls ‒ so watch out for that .
“So I guess that you will never really satisfy a woman ‒ and I’m sorry for that . But here’s to you and your dinky wang , dinky wang-man .”
Leon Phelps , the Lady’s Man
Now for the bad news . My penis is shrinking . I’ve suspected this for a while but I finally have enough evidence collected to present it publicly . On the second Friday of every month I look at the pornography and measure the width , length , girth , water displacement , potential energy , and angle of my penis . And now , looking back at over 34 months of test data I can conclusively state that my penis is getting smaller by the second . My assistant at work tried to say that it was the same size , but how many people are going to tell their boss “Hey , you’re dick’s shrinking ?” Also aside from that one Christmas party I don’t think she ever saw my dick back when it was its fully sized original glorious as-nature-intended self . This isn’t a problem right now because my penis was verging on too big already ‒ it should hit normal size sometime in 2017 . But the fact remains that sooner of later I will be small in the pants . Don’t be alarmed though , don’t shed any tears for me , I’ve still got a lot of good years ahead of me . Sure , I got screwed , but that’s life ‒ you just have to deal with it . Until the cyberpenis comes along anyway .
Now for the news that is neither good nor bad . Statistical analysis indicates that given the current rate of lesbian increase by 2163 there will be no more straight women in America . And I say good riddance . Because straight women can be mean , but lesbians are always cool . In effect they’re already rejected your sexual advances before you ever even met them ‒ so you’re free to be yourself around them . To be relaxed and comfortable . Of course this is a major bummer for the men of the future who apparently will be surrounded by lesbians with huge melons . But its not all bad news . By that point they will have a gaming system (tentatively titled the X-Box 5400) that will dispense beer and have a sexual orifice . So don’t get too down future men .
And finally we come to the tale of my first sexual experience . The names have been changed to protect those people who were actually there and slander famous celebrities that were nowhere near there .
I had been chatting with Catherine Zeta-Jones on AdultFriendFinder xmatch Sex Finder Site xmatch Sex Finder Site for a while but she was way out of my league so I was quite surprised when she invited me to a party at her apartment . Unfortunately when I got there she was already so drunk that I didn’t feel I could sleep with her without feeling like a total dirtbag . I almost left right then , but she dragged me over to her friend Angelina Jolie and starting rambling on about 3-ways (which I don’t care for , but that’s a topic for another day) . Angelina and I were both mortified . I ended up staying at the party and actually had a pretty good time . When things were breaking up Catherine asked me if I wanted to stay . I said yes because she seemed relatively in control of her faculties at this point . Angelina stayed too but that was just a too drunk to drive situation . We hung out for a while but much to my disappointment nothing happened . I ended up on the couch and Catherine and Angelina retired to the bedroom .
Next thing I know I get woken up at around 4 in the morning by Angelina . She wants the couch . I blearily ask her why and she tells me that Catherine is all over her ‒ and she doesn’t roll that way . So now I’m on the floor and she’s on the couch . I just get to sleep again when I’m woken by Catherine smoking a bowl and playing GTA ‒ Angelina was nowhere to be found . So I go into the room with all the boxes and junk in it and sleep on a pile of clothes for a little while . That is until Catherine says she’s going back to bed and I head back to the couch ‒ where Angelina has miraculously reappeared . We talk for a while and that leads to a sloppy make-out session . She says we can’t have sex because she has a boyfriend and I say that’s fine but she doesn’t seem satisfied . She starts stripping down and says that if I want I can give her a rimjob . I didn’t really want to , but I ended up doing it . She seemed to enjoy it and it really wasn’t that bad . So then she says I can stick it in her ass ‒ I guess she forgot about her boyfriend .
I tried , I really did ‒ and its not like I have a big dick or anything (despite what I may have claimed only moments ago) , but I could not get any penetration whatsoever . I probably gave up too easily . I just don’t understand how those gay guys do it . Asshole’s are tiny man , tiny . If anyone has any tips please let me know . Anyway , she says its alright and that she should probably be going anyway . So I assumed that she left and I went back to sleep . I wake up again around nine or so and I really just want to get the hell out of there . I hear Catherine in the shower and tell her I’m leaving . “Don’t you want to take a shower first ?” she asked . Now have a conundrum . Is she inviting my in with her or just wondering about my personal hygiene ? Thankfully she dispelled all confusion pretty quickly and soon I was in the shower with a real live naked girl (one way hotter than I had any rights too as well) . This is followed by the first blowjob ‒ which I have to say was somewhat unimpressive .
The next thing that happens is Catherine , with dick still in hand , disengages for a moment to say something ‒ which is precisely when I slip a little and try to regain my balance . Have you ever been poked in the eye with a dick ? Me neither , but judging by her reaction its not a fun time . She jerked back violently and hit the faucet VERY hard . So she’s crying and cursing me out and whatnot as I try to drag her out of the shower and then I see Angelina standing right there in the door , jaw open , staring at us . I wish I could say that this resulted in some kind of wet-slopping sexy 3-way but it didn’t . I wish I just dropped Catherine , got dressed , and got the hell out of there . But what happened is I ended up in the living room jerking off while they watched . Why did I do this ? because they asked to see it . Which at the time I thought was the freakiest thing ever , but have since come to find out is something some women like . So that was my first time ‒ half a blowjob and masturbation . Heap your scorn (or pity) upon me .
One last thing ‒ an update from an earlier post . I finally found a cock ring I liked but everyone at work , aside from my assistant who’s not really an unbiased party , freaked out when I showed it off . What’s wrong with this country ?
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Good grief more Satan's boners
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Posted:Jul 2, 2006 7:16 am
Last Updated:May 20, 2012 8:37 am
124473 Views
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I was talking to a lady on here the other day (hard to beleive I know) and at some point she mentioned that she was a member of the Church of Satan . At first I thought that was a pretty funny joke , but then she starting talking about how she wanted to be in a 12-step program but she couldn't accept god as her savior and whatnot . I tried to tell her that the first step is just admitting that there is a higher power and that could be Satan , but she wasn't buying what I was selling . I made some crack about her luring me into being sacrificed with promises of sex and she got really irritied and started ranting about how that's not what Satanisn is all about . I'm sure we'll be hooking up real soon . But it got me to thinking about Satan . People say that his best trick was getting people to beleive that he doesn't exist , but I take issue with that . I think the best thing Satan ever did was this whole hope concept .
Think about it , there I was chatting with a devil-worshipping and hoping against hope that I was going to get to have sex - even though all the evidence out there proves conclusively that I'll never have sex ever again without money changing hands . Hope is terrible - perhaps the worst thing in the world . It makes you think things will get better - and they won't . That's a fact . No one in the world ever gets what they want , everybody dies frustrated and sad . Which you know , is fine and all because fulfillment is really so over , but that damn hope keeps rearing its ugly head . My advice to you (FYI you shouldn't take advice from me) is banish hope from your life - you'll be that much happier for it .
But turning away from matters of the faith , here's what's been going on in my in-box this week . I got a message from a homosexual individual for the 2nd time in my short AdultFriendFinder xmatch Sex Finder Site xmatch Sex Finder Site life . And I have to wonder , why me ? I'm not nearly in good enough shape to be gay - not even close . I can barely bench 200 , that's not even near the gay requirement . Plus its not like I'm good looking in the traditional sense - or in any other sense for that matter . So the only thing I can figure is that I somehow look like I'd be good at oral sex . Which is good to know , because now I'll try twice as hard to stay out of prison .
For the record though in a perfect world I think everyone should be gay - now that's what I call population control . PLus I think a lot of the world's problems stem from the whole man-woman thing . I think God really screwed up with that one - or maybe Satan had a hand in it too . Actually in a REALLY perfect world all the men would be gay but me and all the hot women would be straight while the rest were gay . Damn you hope - stop tormenting me !
And finally we end with a few of the messages I've received about my blog .
sexyshooter06 from Texas writes
"Your blog is stupid"
Thank you for noticing shooter , it sure is . But you'e missed the broader point in all of this . Its not that just my blog is stupid - all blogs are stupid (except for the Cliticals one) . Not only that , but every form of self-expression ever is stupid . Especially poems . Especially poems in blogs . Like this one right here .
"I can't hide
from my mind
and you know why
I try , try , try
but I can hide
from my mind ."
See , pure stupidity .
petalsfromheaven in Georgia writes
"You're ugly deuce"
You bet your sweet ass petals . I'm easily the ugliest man in 10 countries (try and guess which ten) . I used to be less ugly , but I've been steadily gaining weight and its really helping me move up the rankings . And let me tell you its hard damn work being this ugly . But its really worth it in the end . Women ignore you , men mock you - its all good . Thanks for writing petals .
sbftam26 also from Georgia writes
"Why did I read this ?"
I don't know . I know I wouldn't read it I were you - or anyone else for that matter . Wait , I am someone else . Hmm . Anyway what the hell does your handle even mean ? Single blonde female teacher amazon mother ? Is that like a milf ? Or a milfbrisrss (mom I'd like to fuck but really I should report to social services) ? Help me out here lady .
Well that's all the time we have today see you next time on the Carmen Electra Show with Carmen Electra featuring Carmen Electra . Next weeks guest , Carmen Electra .
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When I think about you I don't touch myself
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Posted:Jul 1, 2006 7:26 am
Last Updated:Aug 13, 2018 5:48 pm
120374 Views
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Masturbation sucks - there , I said it . And any man who says otherwise is a filthy liar . I probably screwed myself over by not masturbating the first time until I was also having regular sex but I can't exactly unring that bell . Besides why would I want to ? The whole process is a waste of time . Why ? Well I'm glad you asked . After much soul searching I've narrowed it down to 3 very well thought out reasons .
1 - It takes too long
2 - It makes my arm hurt
3 - The payout isn't that great
Also to save you some time here's the rebuttals to those arguments -
1 - You're not doing it right
2 - You're a puss
3 - See #1
But those points are all flimsy and ill-conceived and I all ignore them . The problem is that most likely masturbation is a skill like any other - you only get good at it with practice . But who has that kind of time ? Well I do , but I'm too lazy to do it . I should just outsource the whole thing to India . But that just brings up another sex of problems . Namely that I'd have to get a guy because women suck at giving handjobs . And trust me , having an Indian guy jerk me off is the last thing I need . My heterosexual street cred is pretty lame as it is .
Why do women suck at the art of handsex ? I haven't quite figured that one out yet . I assume its the same reason men suck at everything sexually - they don't have enough access to the right equipment . Also they probably do it poorly on purpose because of the whole pay inequity thing in this country . And who can blame them ?
I can . Because lady masturbation seems to be pretty awesome from what I've been told . Now for a quick poll - which is a better euphemism for lady masturbation ?
A - Cliticure
B - Rubbing the love nub
Right so would you women give up your masturbation powers for 26 more cents on the dollar ? Think hard about that one . Plus that's not all . You'd also have to give up multiple orgasms . Hitting below the belt I know , but there it is . Jealousy is a powerful tool of oppression you know .
So , getting back to the main point of all this - since masturbation sucks and sex only happens for movie stars what I am left with ? Alcohol ? Drugs ? An eating disorder ? I say nay . Instead I choose the great American pasttime of being surly and disinterested in anything people have to say to me . Is it a poor substitute for sexual satisfaction ? Of course , but you have to play with the cards life dealt you . I'm holding nothing , but like Luke says "Sometimes nothing can be a pretty cool hand ."
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To link to this blog (40Deuce) use [blog 40Deuce] in your messages.
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